


How to Say Sorry

by inspiritchingu



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-27
Updated: 2015-11-27
Packaged: 2018-05-03 15:17:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5296316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inspiritchingu/pseuds/inspiritchingu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sunggyu writes to a DJ who teaches him what saying sorry means.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to Say Sorry

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this is angst enough for you.

   


* * *

 

It's driving Sunggyu insane and he cannot focus so with a heavy sigh, he starts typing an e-mail. He hesitates and trembles. Then, he cries and cries. His heart is very heavy when he hits 'send.'

The radio is on and Woohyun puts the volume higher. He sets his laundry basket beside the bed as he starts folding each item one by one. The music is interrupted by a low voice from a man. He says, "Tonight is another episode of Dear Dongwoo where we will read a letter sent to us by one of our beloved listeners and we'll try to offer some advice if not to solve his problem."

> Dear Dongwoo,
> 
> I'd like to be straightforward with my letter because I'm confused. I figure you get problems like this all the time and I'm sorry if you think I may be exaggerating but I miss this person a lot and I'm hurting so much.
> 
> A few years ago I was dating another guy and we were very much in love. I'd like to think so. I miss him a lot. We broke up. It was because of me. I didn't really break up with him or anything formal. I just sort of drifted away from him because we are both men and I just couldn't stand the looks people were giving us whenever we went out and I couldn't tell my parents about us. My family is very conservative and they would like me to marry a woman and have a family of my own. They couldn't understand that I was gay and I am still gay. They thought I would get over this but I didn't and I never will.
> 
> I saw my ex-boyfriend yesterday. He saw me too. We only looked at each other. I didn't know what to do. I don't believe in fate or destiny. I don't even know the difference between them. It's him who believes in those things. Now though, I don't know what to think. I know I hurt him a lot and I don't deserve to be in his life. I don't deserve to know anything that's going on with him. However, I am very selfish and I hate myself. I want to know if he is happy. I don't want to wish that he is miserable as me right now but I don't know, I'm fucked up, and if he is miserable that would mean he misses me too and he still loves me, right?
> 
> I want to apologize so I went to see if he was on Facebook. He has an account and I was going to send him a friend request and message him but I stopped myself. I checked his posts and he seems to be in a good place right now. I don't know if inserting myself in his life would be a good thing. I think I'm better now and I can be a better person for him now. Should I just send him something he would like to see; something we both used to enjoy? Like a video or a story? So we can start fresh and leave it all behind us? Should I be sincere and apologize? But if I bring it up, wouldn't I hurt him again? Wouldn't I be re-opening his scars? Do you think I should forget about him and move on? But how do I move on when I love him so much? What if I apologize and he's moved on and doesn't care about me anymore?
> 
> Please help me.
> 
> Signed
> 
> Mr. Sorry

The DJ, Dongwoo, heaves a sigh. Audibly, he fixes his shirt. "Mr. Sorry, you are very confused and in pain and we hear you. I'd like you to know that and I'd like you to know that it's never easy. Even if you think a lot of people face the same problem as you, it will never be easy. You can't do the same things they do because you are different, the way you live your life is different. The pain you feel is real and it's yours. You can't ignore it and you can't underestimate it. There is an award winning author who wrote that the thing about pain is that it demands to be felt and in another of his books he wrote, 'it hurts because it mattered.' These are truths."

A slow piano plays as Dongwoo thinks of a joke he can say to lighten the mood but he thinks again and he decides not to.

"Mr. Sorry wants to say sorry to his ex-boyfriend and there is nothing wrong with that." Dongwoo leans away from the mic to clear his throat. He doesn't know how to go about what he wants to say so he stutters a bit. "Mr. Sorry, I don't think you understand how to say sorry though. Please don't think I'm dictating you but I want to help you and I want to share what I think."

From his seat, Sunggyu's face darkens and he opens a can of beer.

"Apologizing means you acknowledge that you hurt a person and you're letting them know that you regret hurting them and you don't intend to hurt them again. It has nothing to do with you. You shouldn't expect that they will forgive you just because you said sorry."

He takes a big gulp and swallows the bitter taste. It's not as bitter as the words the man on the radio said though.

"We wish 'sorry' could be a magic word like open sesame but it's not. Mr. Sorry, you need to understand that 'sorry' has a limitation and that it only means you regret what you did. It's the only thing you can say to the person you love but you need to know it is not always, it rarely is, enough."

When the comprehension dawns on him, his eyes widen and he feels something welling up inside him. There are tears rolling down his cheeks again.

"It's really great that you want to apologize for hurting your ex-boyfriend because it means you want to be a better person. Unfortunately, you need to let him decide if he will forgive you and if there's going to be anything more to that. You need to understand that and to be okay with that. The golden rule is to not do unto others what you don't want to do unto you. If you dig deeper into that, you have to put yourself in their shoes and understand where they would be coming from. Mr. Sorry, say sorry because you mean it, not because you're using it as an introduction to your imagined ideal scenario."

Sunggyu closes his eyes and wills himself to fall asleep as the man bids goodbye and plays some song he thinks fits what Sunggyu feels; as if he understood what Sunggyu feels. Sunggyu feels like he is drowning and burning at the same time and no one can possibly understand.

When Sunggyu wakes up, raises himself from the couch would be more appropriate because he couldn't really sleep, he decides that he deserves it and while he is numb, he would send Woohyun a message.

He types, "I'm sorry."

The response is quick. "You've never once told me you're sorry before."

"I'm very sorry."

"I don't know what to tell you yet. I still love you but I'm afraid of you. I don't know."

"It's okay. I only want to let you know I'm sorry and I wish I could take all your pain. I hated myself and you had absolutely no fault. I know I have no right to ask you this but please be happy."

It takes a while and Sunggyu realizes he was expecting, which he shouldn't be doing. He opens another can of beer and stares blankly at his socks. It's stupid but he feels warm wearing this particular pair of socks because Woohyun bought them for him. It was supposed to be a joke but Sunggyu just thanked Woohyun for the gift. Sunggyu would've thanked Woohyun for any gift. He gulps the bitter alcohol and frowns sadly at the bright yellow socks with little sunflower prints.

There's a beep and Sunggyu looks up at his laptop. It's a message from Woohyun and Sunggyu feels his stomach drop. He really shouldn't be doing this if he wants to move on. He should just stop talking to Woohyun.

Except he can't. It's how he managed to hurt him in the first place.

"Do you want to meet? If you're busy right now, I can wait for you tomorrow?"

Sunggyu is confused but he still asks, "Where are you?"

"I'm..."

Sunggyu gulps.

There's a knock on the door. Three consecutive loud knocks and five fast raps - Woohyun's knock.


End file.
